Something I don't often talk about is
my fear of shutting down in a stressful situation. I have never
really tried to explain it to anyone, and it is not something I think
about in words. I know the physical sensation of shutting down, but
rarely think about what is really happening. I try very hard to avoid
situations where it might occur, and the fear of shutting down causes
considerable anxiety. It may of course be a spiral – the shutdown
is caused by anxiety, and the fear causes more anxiety, which
increases the possibility of shutdown. And the only tools I have is
avoidance and preparation. Before going into an unknown place or
talking to somebody, or doing something new, I have to prepare
myself, think about things that might happen, things people might do
or say, and try to develop scripts with which I can respond. This is
not very effective, situations and people are mostly unpredictable.
Avoidance is also not always possible, and I think my unwillingness
and stubbornness can be exasperating to others. If only they could
understand that I really have no desire to be 'difficult'. I take no
pride in it, and I find it distressing to see the effect it has on
others.
It is awful to be seen as 'difficult'
when I am scared and my heart feels like it is skipping beats and my
thoughts are whirling and worst of all – I lose the ability to
explain, to 'use my words'. I am good with words and languages, I
love words – but when shutdown happens, I have no words, only fear
and physical feelings. Another very unfortunate aspect of shutdown is
that I lash out at people who try to help. Maybe because they try by
asking questions, expecting a response from me, and it puts more
pressure on me to talk and act rationally when I have lost the
ability to do so.
I will say it again – I really hate
that people see me as a difficult person. Because that is not who I
am. I don't like upsetting anybody, I don't like
derailing plans, I like things to go smoothly and calmly, I am not a
selfish person who want things to go my way. I do know it is not
always easy to live with me and to cope with my 'moods'. But it seems
unfair that I spend a lot of energy adapting to other people,
suppressing my 'otherness' and my instinctive reactions – and when
I do not cope at times, I am seen as difficult.
What does shutdown feel like? What
happens? It is so hard to describe something that essentially shuts
out language, that makes me lose my words. And the inability to
describe it makes it hard to convince others that it does happen.
Maybe I can try do describe situations where it has happened. Phone
calls can trigger shutdown. I don't like talking on the phone and
when the sound is bad or someone talks too fast or says things I
don't understand, I get anxious and it has happened a few times that
I simply had to put the phone down because I cannot speak or get any
words out. Apart from the anxiety, it is also very embarrassing and
causes me to be even more scared of making calls.
When I am already anxious, small
unexpected things can stop me in my tracks. I have gone into
unfamiliar shops with the intention of buying something, and then I
either cannot figure out where to pay, or the person behind the
till asks something I cannot understand, and then I have to leave the
shop with empty hands because I stopped being able to think and talk. I have to flee. I know there are almost always people around one can ask
for help, but when you cannot talk, how can you ask?
When I lose my words and cannot think clearly, it does not mean that I am unaware of others and unaware of
appropriate ways to act. I try hard not to cry, I manage to suppress
the agitated sounds I feel like making, I stop myself from hiding my
face behind my hands. I have to do this, because acting like I
instinctively want to will attract attention I feel unable to cope
with. I dread being in any situation where there is not a way out, a
bathroom to hide in, my own car to drive away in.
This post started out as an effort to
explain shutdowns. It ends with me having the urge to tell the people
who know me – I AM NOT A DIFFICULT PERSON. I am different, I have
different needs, different fears, and I am aware of expectations and the
needs of others and I try my best to do what is best for everybody. I
try my best. But I have challenges that I face, and when
protecting myself clash with the needs and wants of other people, I
would like them to understand that I am not selfish. Or difficult. Or
stubborn. Just temporarily unable to think clearly and unable to explain why I feel overwhelmed.
