Saturday, December 3, 2011

Tired and discouraged

I have too many thoughts and too few words. Some words: tired, sad, discouraged. I can't blame anybody for not understanding. But I am tired of having to explain. Words cannot adequately explain and enlighten. Words are lifeless and theoretical. Why can't I send feelings and sensations to others and let them understand that way?


I am very fortunate, I found a therapist I trust, someone who understands about Aspergers, who makes me feel understood as well as respected. And safe. Safe - a small word, a very big concept. If only I did not feel so vulnerable and scared after each appointment. It is like being out in the cold and getting used to it. Then someone puts a warm blanket around you for an hour, and takes it away again. The cold then feels more intense and harder to bear.

I greeted my therapist, won't go there for 6-8 weeks due to the summer holidays. My head tells me it is fine, I will be fine. My heart feels like a safety net was taken away. It feels like my grasp is slipping, how will I hold on to the hope he has given me? I have been strong and coping for so long, why does the strength seep away now that my struggles have been validated and acknowledged?