A couple of years have passed since my
diagnosis. During the first years having Aspergers was something I
thought about every day. It was always in the back of my mind, I
looked at everything through the Aspie lens. It was a good and
helpful process. I figured out so many things, and made peace with
most of them.
I think I have grown into my Aspie skin
now. I don't think about it so often, some days not at all. It does
not take up much thought space any more. I had a sudden thougth the
other day though – that having Aspergers does not matter, except when it
matters. Doesn't sound logical, and I did not share with anyone, but
since then something happened that I can use as an example.
About two weeks ago, something really
sad and upsetting happened. The only way I can cope with it now is
not thinking or talking about it, but doing that takes a lot of
energy. Then last week we invited guests for dinner and to stay over.
I had to buy and prepare food for 10 people and clean the house. I
enjoyed the cooking and loved having the guests over, that wasn't an
issue. Then the day before they arrived, my son developed a tooth
ache, and our regular dentist was on leave. I had to make phone calls
and get an appointment at a new place. Took him there, had to answer
questions and fill in a form (always exhausting) and eased him
through the appointment. Two days later I had an appointment with my
therapist. Discussed some emotional stuff with him, and while I was
in the city, had quite a few errands to run. Did it all successfully.
Came home, and found that the new gardener has created havoc and dug
out ALL of my spring flowers for some reason – I found that hugely
upsetting.
None of these things were that tiring
by themselves, and most of what I listed were positive experiences.
But by yesterday my energy was depleted. I felt literally sick, my
brain felt fuzzy and I experienced complete sensory overload. Dogs
barking, the ducks quacking, the kids talking, the clothes against my
skin, the hair against my face – everything was just amplified and
too much. I sat under a blanket on my bed a large part of the day, my
eyes closed, and spend the rest of the time mindlessly playing
computer games and listening to a favourite song over and over and
over.
This is when having Aspergers matters.
When doing 'normal' things use so much energy. When not being able to
function for a day is not laziness, but real exhaustion.
I just wish I have the ability to
recognise this exhaustion when it happens and allow myself to rest
because it is what I need, instead of feeling restless and guilty and
worthless because I am doing 'nothing'. I also hope that when I do
talk about it, other people will understand that I still want to do
the things that use so much energy. I love having friends over and
cooking for them, I love being able to run errands for people or
being able to help friends. I love driving to town. The exhaustion is
just part of being an Aspie and an introvert, it is not something to
avoid by limiting things that bring me joy.
