Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Slow processing speed

Slow processing speed. I like the sound of that, it sounds better than simply 'slow. It sounds better than 'not being able to think on my feet'. Better than 'talking nonsense'. But no matter how good it sounds, it feels bad. I need to come out and say this, admit it - I generally struggle with slow processing. I am intelligent and smart, but most of the time I need more time than others to process information and situations and dialogue.

It causes problems in conversations. Normal conversation needs to flow, and silences cause discomfort. My unfortunate way of coping with this, is to talk a fair amount of nonsense. To reply with superficial words and remarks, and often to say things that amazes me while I am saying it. Since there is no time for me to think in my slower way about what is being said, and time to say what I then really think, I reply with whatever pops up in my head. I don't like this, but I do like being included in a conversation. Mostly can't have both.

It causes problems in situations. I can't count the times someone has asked me "Why didn't you do this? Or that?" Which is usually what would have been the logical and sensible thing to do or say. And my answer is always "I did not think of it" and along with the incredulous looks, I berate myself. Why can't I just react in the obvious and smart way? It feels humiliating. I feel a strong need to defend myself and convince myself that I am smart. It is hard not comparing myself to others who can think on their feet and handle situations calmly and constructively.

It causes problems with decisions. I need time to think about decisions that have to be made. I cannot weigh up all the pro's and cons quickly. And that is something that needs to be done. I don't make decisions by what feels good or right, I need to approach it with logic. This can also make me seem unenthusiastic, but that is a topic for another day.

As with all things, this is probably not all negative, but I am struggling to come up with the positives. This needs more thought.


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