Saturday, December 3, 2011

Tired and discouraged

I have too many thoughts and too few words. Some words: tired, sad, discouraged. I can't blame anybody for not understanding. But I am tired of having to explain. Words cannot adequately explain and enlighten. Words are lifeless and theoretical. Why can't I send feelings and sensations to others and let them understand that way?


I am very fortunate, I found a therapist I trust, someone who understands about Aspergers, who makes me feel understood as well as respected. And safe. Safe - a small word, a very big concept. If only I did not feel so vulnerable and scared after each appointment. It is like being out in the cold and getting used to it. Then someone puts a warm blanket around you for an hour, and takes it away again. The cold then feels more intense and harder to bear.

I greeted my therapist, won't go there for 6-8 weeks due to the summer holidays. My head tells me it is fine, I will be fine. My heart feels like a safety net was taken away. It feels like my grasp is slipping, how will I hold on to the hope he has given me? I have been strong and coping for so long, why does the strength seep away now that my struggles have been validated and acknowledged?


  1. I think it is similar to how people will be calm through a crisis and then break down afterwards. You girded your strength to get through the diagnosis process and now maybe you need the downtime to process it.

    I have a friend who refuses to make any decisions for six months after she has a baby. It may sound silly, but it helps her stay sane and focus on what's important.

    I hope that you can find something, whatever it is, that will allow you the space and time to figure things out. Even if the safety net was taken away, it sounds like you are building a new one, and there's no reason you have to step off the platform until the new net is in place, right?

    Lots of analogies here, not sure if any of them make sense, but I'm talking to myself as much as to you I guess.

  2. I think what aspergirlmaybe said could be very true. Sometimes we have to stay strong in certain circumstances because there is simply no other choice, and then once we get the smallest bit of relief from those circumstances, it can feel like we are falling apart.

    I understand what you mean about therapy too. It's so nice to have that hour, but it also makes you realize how difficult the other 167 hours are. Until your therapist returns, you still have all of us. I know it's not the same, but we're here nonetheless.

  3. I should also add that I have had the "stick it out and then break down" experience many times, and I understand how difficult it is and how confusing it can be. I wish you felt better, and I wish I could help you feel better, but I also hope you know that it's okay to feel bad. You went undiagnosed for 40 years. That's a long time to tough it out and live without your difficulties being acknowledged or understood. Grieving that, if that is part of what is going on, is completely natural. Difficult, but so very, very okay.