Sunday, September 2, 2012

Wrong reactions, valid reactions

OK, so I find it hard to read people. I find it hard to discern their intentions. I find it hard to identify the emotions they successfully hide and even deny.

I often feel hurt or confused after interactions with people. And because 'not knowing' does not sit well with me, I analyse. I think about what happened or did not happen, I try to fill in the blank spaces, I try to think of possible intentions, emotions and other signs I missed. And because I am aware of my lesser ability to read between the lines, it is important to me to give others the benefit of the doubt. This is mostly a private process, I am not inclined to rush out to find someone to go through the process with me.

But sometimes I have shared. And the reactions almost always started with a BUT. Suggestions that I am holding the wrong end of the stick. That I don't quite understand. That I have misread intentions. That people actually meant well. That I have to change my perceptions. That I should not feel hurt. That my reactions are wrong. My expectations too high. My emotions too strong. And sometimes this is followed by little 'lessons' about why people do things, say things, act in ways that I don't understand.

But I don't need this feedback any more. No, I can do it all by myself. Tell myself that I am overreacting, not understanding, wrong, immature. And I am tired of it. I need to feel good about myself, I need to trust my own views and opinions. I need to see my reactions and emotions as valid. I believe I have gained insights that are valuable and true. My reactions to the world and other people may sometimes be different and hard to explain, but that does not make them any less valid and real.

So where does this leave me? I don't know. Alone in my own head? Feels like that most of the time. But I do know that that is not healthy for me. I do need meaningful social contact and discussion. Which can be tricky, because …. go back to the first sentence!

1 comment:

  1. This is exactly where I am so often and am completely immersed in it today. I am so sick and tired of feeling like this!

    The hardest thing is when it's with someone I would just avoid but can't because I have to interact with them (such as my son's teacher). Ugh!!!