When someone likes me or wants to spend time with me, who is it that they like? The me that passes as normal? Will they still like me if I stop working so hard to pass? Do they even know how hard I work? Will they still like me if I smiled less and asked more awkward questions? Will they like the real undiluted autistic me? The me that does not want to greet people, wants to bite her fingers and rock from side to side, who frowns when she thinks, who thinks all the time, who are unsure and anxious many times, who thinks that people are hard to understand, who are perplexed by the things they do and say, who wants to interrupt people because it is hard to know anyway when it is her turn to speak, who wants to leave places suddenly when the sounds bother her too much, who gets overstimulated and irritated and agitated so often?
I don't know if this me will still be liked or accepted. And not be pitied or avoided. And I want to be liked, that is why I still pass.
Oh my goodness, I think about this all the time, Cecile. I really do. I wonder what it is that they are "seeing" and I wonder what it would be like if they saw the more Aspie side of me and if they would really remain my friend afterwards. I am now just starting to let my AS "show" and not hide it so much because it's so danged exhausting and so awfully difficult to do all the time. Have you read "Pretending to Be Normal" By Liane Holliday Willey? It is nice to read it because she talks about coming to accept her AS as her normal and she gives some great tips in the back of the book, too.
ReplyDeleteOh, by the way, feel free to use my poem: "The Phone Call" as a post or print it up to use it. I'm happy that it may help others better understand.
Bird @takealeftatthemoon.blogspot.com
I have been struggling with this myself a lot - whether just being myself is too selfish when other people need certain things from me.
ReplyDeleteI too suffer the conflicting urges to either follow my instinct to escape from overwhelming stimuli or to wear myself out trying to cope with it all so that I can "fit in" with the people around me. I find that there are few people who can really grasp just how strong these urges can be; however I've found that my writing has helped more of the people I socialize with to understand me.
ReplyDeleteBeing true to yourself can lead to painful reactions from those who do not understand or accept differences, but it can also engender a wonderfully supportive response from people who truly care about you.
Hi Cecile, long time no see :)
ReplyDeleteI've just read your recent posts up to here - I can't believe I've been away from your blog for so long! I relate to this (and other posts) so, so much. I worry about "letting my autism show" and about what people will think of that. I would love to let it show though - truly, truly love it - if I felt free enough to do so. Perhaps in time. Passing is such hard work.