With the help of my husband, I found a psychologist who are knowledgeable about Aspergers. I had an hour long session with him on Wednesday. During the hours and days leading up to this I felt very anxious and apprehensive. To begin with I felt unsettled because the day would be a break in my usual routine. And then I did not know what to expect at all, I was also scared of being disappointed once again.
I am very glad to say that my fears were unfounded. It is hard to describe what an intense experience it was talking to an expert who understood, validated and knows more than I do about Aspergers. I was close to crying the whole time, but held that in because I did not want to waste the precious time on too much emotion.
I have so many thoughts and feelings running through my head now, I so wish I could hide somewhere alone for a few days to rest and start processing it all.
One recurring thought, accompanied by a wave of emotion every time, is "So this is what it feels like to be understood!" It is overwhelming. I do have people in my life who love me and accept me and try to understand me. It is a blessing, and I appreciate it more than I can express. But in all these relationships I am the expert when it comes to Aspergers. Naturally I usually end up explaining and educating, and mostly in a detached, intellectual way - sharing emotions and fears is too threatening when I am rather sure of not being understood. And these explanations can so easily cross a line somewhere in my head and start feeling like excuses. After a lifetime of believing I am just not trying hard enough, I still sometimes feel as if I am just trying to justify myself. Trying to convince myself and others that I am OK and trying. And when I achieve something, it is not really satisfying first having to explain why it is an achievement before getting some appreciation. I really do not want to hurt my loved ones, I value them so much. But to talk to someone who understands without any explanations, who applauds my achievements and sympathizes with my fears and struggles - it took my breath away.
We talked about many things, and once I have processed more of them I will write about it. It is hard to put my thoughts down now, I feel very emotional and tired.
I want to end this post by saying thank you to my wonderful husband, who cared enough to make this session possible, something I would not have been able to do on my own.